While posting in the "movin to canada" thread I quoted Bill Hicks and to my surprise begbie knew who he was. Got me thinking, what are your guys favorite comedians? Post some quotes if you can like the one in the movinn to canada thread, if your to lazy too look, here's another to get it going.
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A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. Do you think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a ****in' cross? It's kind of like going up to Jackie Onassis with a rifle pendant on."

hey Jackie...chk chk.... just thinking of John....

Bill Hicks

bill hicks is by far my favorite comedian ever. he was much more then someone who told jokes. i have seen all his videos and have all his albums i have so many lines of his that it hink are brilliant .. here are a few

See I think drugs have done some good things for us. If you don't think drugs have done good things for us then do me a favor. Go home tonight and take all of your records,tapes and all your CD's and burn them. Because, you know all those musicians who made all that great music that's enhanced your lives throughout the years? Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreal ****ing high on drugs, man.

You know all that money we spend on the military ever year - trillions of dollars? Instead, if we use this money to feed and clothe the poor of this world, which it would do many times over, then we can explore space, inner and outer, together, as one race.

What do atheists scream when they come?"

Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is mearly energy condensed through a slow vibration, we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, life is only a dream and we are the imaginations of ourselves. Here's Tom with the weather.

If you don't think drugs have done good things for us then take all of your records,tapes and CD's and burn them.

Think of me as Chomsky with dick jokes.

Ever noticed that people who believe in Creationism look really unevolved?

The world is like a ride in an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it, you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time and they begin to question, is this real, or is this just a ride? And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, "Hey - don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because, this is just a ride... And we... kill those people.



this is just a few quotes i found online. check him out if you like intelligent commentary. cool post.

begbie

Mitch Hedberg.. I'm to lazy to find quotes but he's funny as hell.

I like a lot of the old school guys - murphy, kinison, dangerfield, prior, etc. I won't leave Sienfeld off that list either. His standup isn't "the best", but his TV show to this day is one of my all time favorites.

One new guy that really cracks my ass up is Bill Burr (http://www.comedycentral.com/standup/central/detail.jhtml?p=/comedians/b/bill_burr.xml). He's one funny mofo...check him out when you get a chance.

I have his (Bill H) all his shit on my pc. I also like his mentor who died early, Sam Kinison.
What a show that would have been. You like tool?, maynard was a friend of Bills.

"I called a detox center - just to see how much it would cost: $13,000 for three weeks! My friends, if you can come up with thirteen grand, you don't have a problem yet"

- Sam Kinison

......I'd have to go with George Lopez, Paul Rodriguez, Cedric, Bernie, Sinbad....alot of their shit hits really close to home, so its like 10 times funnier...

"Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck. "

"I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality. "

"I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying..."

"I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too."

"If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptible..."

"I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top. "

-Mitch Hedberg

I thought this post was titles "Best Canadians", and I was going to come in and naysay it.

As far as comedians, Lewis Black.

"If it weren’t for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college... "

Also, very old school: Jeff Dunham, a ventriloquist with three puppets named Peanut, Walter and Jose.

No, "Best canadian's", to use one of Dr Bio's favorite words, would be an oxymoron.

:D

I'm new school.... Ron white "they call me... Tater Salad"

Larry the Cable guy ' GET R" DONE!"

Does it have to be stand up? i like jim carry, eddie murphy, bernie mac... ect ect.

"If it weren’t for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college... ".
Great shit.

I have to say chris rock, Bigger Blacker spcifically.

don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'.

CR

..... Never go to clubs with metal detectors. Sure it feels safe inside. But what about all those niggas waiting outside with guns? They know you ain't got one.

Everyone has favorite criminals. Mine are pimps. We can all rob a bank; we can all sell drugs. Being a pimp is a whole other thing

Have you been watching American Idol? They have Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul judgin' the singin. Paula Abdul?! Gettin' Paula Abdul to judge a singin' contest is like gettin' Christopher Reeve to judge a dance contest!"

maybe its excessive but i've been drinking and then some.....

What about that show that used to be on comedy central Dr. Katz - you guys see the one with Dave Chappel (wonder woman).

god damnit

We should not forget Dave Chappelle either. The show with Prince playing basketball is some of the funniest shit ever.

im with ya black, lewis black is awsome. i love watching him on comedy central and seen a stand-up movie he did. he is so funny. i really dont have a favorite comedian but if i made a list lewis black would be up at the top for sure.

i love when he is talking about milk these days, saying he wouldnt want any of the healthy watery down skim milk shit. he wants the real milk straight from the cow, or what he calls it moo moo **** milk. when i first heard that i couldnt stop laffing.

i also saw this guy on comedy central who used these puppets and did different skits with the different kinds of puppets... he was damn funny. cant remember his name tho. maybe one of u know who im talkin about

Bill Cosby...

Excuse me...but some of the best comedians in the US market have always been "best Canadians"...

For Example: John Candy, Mike Myers, Martin Short, Dan Akroyd...etc...etc....etc. We Canadians are funny....really....we are! :) Just look at the starpower of the casts of SCTV and the "Not Ready for Primetime Players" (SNL)!

Some of my favourites today include...

George Carlin
Robin Williams
Sam Kinison
Bill Cosby <--- "Himself" gets me every time.
Monty Python <--- CLASSIC!

...just to name a few. This list could go on for days. I love good comedy. I've heard some of Bill Hicks too...he's hilarious!!

BIO

most of the names mentioned above are of course the best..

i just wanted to mention eddie izzard.. i thought he was halarious

Steven Wright is by far my favorite ....

I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.